We Cannot Let a Madman Get Nuclear Weapons by Kim Jong-Un

August 12th, 2016 3:08am - Posted By: Kim Jong-Un

The World Cannot Allow a Madman to Obtain Nuclear Weapons

By Kim Jong-Un

Editor’s Note: Mr. Jong-Un is the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea).  Mr. Jong-Un’s views do not necessarily reflect those of the Mountain-Ear.

Greetings Americans! I know our countries have had their differences, but there are times when adversaries must put aside their differences for the greater good – times when the danger created by non-cooperation is so great that survival itself depends on the willingness of enemies to set aside their squabbles and confront the greater threat. Now is one such time.

Since the dawn of the nuclear age, nations have worked together to stop the proliferation of nuclear weapons and prevent rogue states from obtaining them. The traditional rationale for nuclear weapons has been deterrence. The theory is that nations with nuclear weapons can use their nuclear threat to deter attacks, thereby preserving peace.

If you think about it, deterrence has worked pretty well since the end of World War II. There have been no worldwide wars since 1945. However, one scenario that now haunts the community of nations is that a madman will obtain nuclear weapons and launch a nuclear attack that could result in our planet’s destruction. A few months ago, your President Obama said, “There is no doubt that if these madmen ever got their hands on a nuclear bomb or nuclear material, they would certainly use it to kill as many innocent people as possible.”

Last week, MSNBC reported that your Republican presidential candidate, Donald Trump, recently asked a foreign policy expert advising him why the U.S. can't use nuclear weapons. Such statements are of great concern to North Koreans and people around the world. What kind of madman thinks that way?

There is a great deal of other evidence suggesting that Mr. Trump suffers from serious mental illness. Making fun of a reporter with a disability. Ejecting a baby from a campaign rally. Calling a war hero like John McCain a loser. Joking about earning a Purple Heart. Bragging about the size of his penis on national TV. Calling for the assassination of Hillary Clinton even though he knows she could kill him just like she killed Vince Foster and tens of thousands of Bernie Sanders supporters. The man is simply not rational.

The United States has approximately 2,500 deployed nuclear weapons and another 2,600 in reserve, along with thousands of warheads in its inventory. It is the world’s most powerful nation. The thought of giving a madman like Donald Trump control of this arsenal is terrifying.     

Last week, President Obama said Mr. Trump is not temperamentally fit to be President. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea agrees. 

Therefore, although it pains me to say this, North Korea urges you to vote for Hillary Clinton. Especially if you live in a swing state.

Posted in: Politics

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Trump Vows to Fire Smokey the Bear

July 15th, 2016 3:47pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

On Sunday Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump vowed to fire Smokey the Bear if elected. Speaking to a crowd of more than fourteen people at the Foursquare Pentecostal Gospel Church in Clanton, Alabama, Trump vowed that if elected his first act would be to tell the famed symbol of forest fire prevention, “You’re fired.”

Noting that Democrats had long ago chosen a black bear to be the mascot of the U.S. Forest Service, Trump said, “The choice of a black bear was a meaningless act of political correctness and shows how racist the liberals are.”  Trump added, “We must choose our fire prevention mascots based on merit – not skin color.”

“When I am president,” Trump thundered, “my first act will be to make the polar bear the official symbol of forest fire prevention in America!” Buoyed by the cheers of the crowd, Trump added, “In 2016, there is no reason America’s fire prevention mascot can’t be white!”

After Trump’s speech, CNN anchor Jake Tapper asked Trump whether it would be fitting to make the polar bear America’s symbol of forest fire prevention given that Alaska is the only state that is home to polar bears.  “Have you ever seen a forest fire any place where polar bears reside?” Trump responded. 

“There are no trees in the Arctic,” Tapper pointed out.

“I’m tired of your liberal BS,” Trump said. “That’s it.  No more interviews for CNN!”

Later that day on a Fox News program Trump repeated his vow to fire Smokey the Bear.  “Listen, “Trump added, “that corrupt skank Hillary Clinton may be in bed with the Black Lives Matter movement, but the Trump administration will be colorblind.”  Trump added, “In fact, I think we need to get rid of this ‘Give a Hoot! Don’t Pollute’ owl, too. Maybe replace him with a toucan or something. You won’t believe how much color America’s mascots will have in a Trump administration!”

Trump’s comments cast doubt over the future of McGruff the crime dog, who is black. A senior Trump advisor told me, on the condition of anonymity, that Trump may replace McGruff with a Chihuahua in an attempt to woo Hispanic voters. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who has experience as Trump’s lap dog, is also a possibility. 

Posted in: Humor

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Letter from Schrodinger the Cat

June 16th, 2016 2:13pm - Posted By: Schrodinger the Cat

Letter from Schrodinger the Cat

Posted in: Legal

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Cassius Clay Hits Denver

June 10th, 2016 1:14pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

On November 4, 1963, the world heavyweight champion was Charles “Sonny” Liston. Liston had a powerful build and an intimidating demeanor. He was a hard man to like, but experts respected his ability in the ring. They believed he was just too tough and strong to be beat. Though most people don’t know it, Liston lived in Denver. He owned in a nice home in an otherwise all-white neighborhood on Monaco Parkway in Denver.  

In the summer of 1960, a young man named Cassius Clay won the Gold Medal in heavyweight boxing at the Olympics in Rome. The brash young man then began a professional career that put him on a collision course with Liston. After beating Archie Moore and Henry Cooper, Clay had earned a shot at the title.

Liston did not want to fight Clay. He did not like Clay’s antics and he likely knew that Clay could be trouble in the ring. Liston liked to slug it out with his opponents. But a fighter like Clay would not stand toe to toe with Liston; Clay would move a lot, jab a lot, and stay outside where Liston’s power could not hurt him.

With Liston in no hurry to fight Clay, Clay began a public campaign to force Liston to give him a shot at the title. Clay publicly insulted Liston, repeatedly referring to him as, “the big ugly bear.” Clay repeatedly harassed Liston and accused Liston of ducking him.

By 1963, the public pressure on Liston to give the bras kid from Kentucky a shot at the title was immense. That was the fight the people wanted to see. After much negotiation, Liston and Clay agreed to fight. The fight contract was to be signed in Denver on November 5, 1963. And that brings us back to the date I began this column with – the day before the contract signing.

Clay had to get from Chicago to Denver to sign the contract, so he chartered a bus. On one side of the bus was painted, “WORLD’S MOST COLORFUL FIGHTER: CASSIUS CLAY.” On the other side, “SONNY LISTON WILL GO IN EIGHT.’’

After making a few calls the Denver newspapers and radio stations, Clay and his pals rolled into Denver on the evening of November 4, 1963. According to the Denver Post, Clay and his entourage first drive through Denver’s 5 Points neighborhood – a black neighborhood – looking for Liston. Residents gawked as Clay put on a show. Asked what he was doing, Clay shouted, “I’m bear hunting. Liston’s too ugly to be champ. The champ should be pretty like me.” Residents told Clay that Liston did not live in 5 Points; they directed him to Liston’s home on the Monaco Parkway in Denver’s Park Hill neighborhood.

Sometime around 3:00 a.m., Clay’s bus pulled up to Liston’s home. Clay exited his bus and immediately began shouting. He sent his photographer to knock on Liston’s door while another friend honked the horn on the bus. The entire neighborhood was soon wide awake.

Liston opened the door wearing polka-dotted pajamas and brandishing a fireplace poker. Clay challenged Liston to come out and fight, but five police cruisers arrived almost immediately. When the ruckus ended, Clay and his friends boarded the bus bound for a local hotel.

Liston and Clay signed the contract the next day at a Denver hotel. Las Vegas established Liston as a 7 to 1 favorite. On February 25, 1964, in Miami, Liston and Clay entered the ring, the winner to be the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world. The quicker Clay ran circle around Liston and peppered his face with jabs. By the end of the sixth round, Liston’s face was covered with cuts and bruises. Liston refused to come out for the seventh round and Clay became the heavyweight champion. The next day he announced he was a member of the Nation of Islam and had changed his name to Muhammad Ali. Many of you know the rest of the story.

Ali returned to Denver one other time. It was fifteen years later, and a lot had happened in those fifteen years -– the JFK assassination, the Beatles, Vietnam, the moon landing, Watergate, and the energy crisis. In the summer of 1979, Ali fought the most famous man in Denver – Broncos’ defensive end Lyle Alzado – in a charitable exhibition at Mile High Stadium. The fight did not raise as much money as Alzado’s charity had hoped, but tens of thousands of fans got to see the heavyweight champion, who was arguably the most famous man on the planet.

Ali became an outspoken critic of the Vietnam War and a leader of the black civil rights movement. He also became the first man ever to win the heavyweight championship three times. He lit the Olympic torch in Atlanta in 1996. He died on June 3, 2016. Rest in peace, champ.

Posted in: Sports

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

An Open Letter to Bernie Supporters

May 19th, 2016 6:52pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Dear Bernie Supporters:

I am one of you. I prefer Bernie to Hillary. I like his positions on the issues. I trust him more. I believe he would be a stronger candidate than Hillary in a general election. Heck, I even find him more sexually appealing. That said, I want to set you straight about a few things.

First, stop whining about the super delegates. Hillary did not create the super delegate system. The system originated in 1984 and has its roots in Nixon’s electoral slaughtering of McGovern in 1972. Bernie knew the delegate selection process before he became a Democrat and before he threw his hat into ring. He knew most Democratic super delegates are party officials that the Clintons have courted since Bill Clinton gave the keynote address at the 1988 Democratic National Convention – the kind of people that proudly display photos of themselves shaking hands with President Clinton in their homes and offices. Hillary did not create the super delegate system to defeat Bernie. In 1984, Hillary was the first lady of Arkansas. She had not even started planning the murder of Vince Foster at that time.

Second, stop complaining that some states don’t allow independent voters to vote in the primaries. Since when do you have a right to participate in the affairs of an organization you don’t belong to? I would like to head the Southern Baptist Convention and impose sweeping change. But guess what? I ain’t a Southern Baptist. (I’m a befuddled Taoist leaning worshipper of Jerry Jeff Walker, but I call myself Unitarian because that sounds more respectable). If you want to vote in the Democratic primary, register as a Democrat.

Third, stop saying Hillary would not be any better than Trump. In November of 2015, Bernie told the Boston Globe, “On her worst day, Hillary Clinton will be an infinitely better candidate and president than the Republican candidate on his best day.” If you are a progressive, it is better to have a Democrat in the White House even if that Democrat is Hillary. (Even if Hillary is the Antichrist). Let’s take one example. The Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision was a five to four opinion, with the four Democratic justices in the minority. Hillary may be a centrist Democrat, but she is still a Democrat we can count on not to put conservative ideologues like Scalia on the nation’s highest court.

Fourth, stop being a child and threatening to stay home or vote for a third party candidate in November if you don’t get your way. If Hillary is the nominee, your choice is Hillary or Trump. It’s a crappy choice, I admit, but its crappiness doesn’t make it any less real. If you stay home or vote for a third party candidate, you are helping put Trump in the White House. Maybe you would feel good about that for a few days because you will feel you have taught the Democratic party a lesson. You might even feel good about it right up to the time that Trump puts Ted Cruz or Rudi Giuliani on the Supreme Court, or starts a ground war in the Middle East. Grow up.

Finally, and this is closely related to my fourth point, stop pretending Ralph Nader wasn’t directly responsible for sticking this country with George W. Bush (the worst President ever) for eight years so you can justify voting for a third party candidate. When all was said and done, Bush won Florida by 537 votes. Nader got 97,488 votes in Florida. Nader was more liberal than Gore, but Gore was more liberal than Bush. Therefore, using the transitive property of mathematics we all learned in the second grade, I think it obvious that if Nader had not been on the ballot, most of those 97,488 votes would have gone to Gore.

Nader supporters like to point to an article by Matthew Jones that challenges the view that Nader cost Gore the election, but that is just sophistry, and other a academics have repeatedly refuted his assertions. Remember, an expert is someone who can bring confusion to simplicity. It’s not rocket science if you look at the numbers.

Let’s assume half of those 97,488 voters would have stayed home if Nader had not been on the ballot. That leaves 48,744 voters up for grabs. Let’s also assume 51% of those voters would have voted for Gore in a two-man race and 49% would have voted for Bush. It borders on insane to believe that 49% of the remaining Nader voters would have voted for Bush. (A Gallup poll found that only 4% of Nader voters described themselves as moderate and only 2% described themselves as conservative). But let’s assume it anyhow. Under that assumption, Gore gets 24,859 of those 48,744 votes and Bush receives 23,885 votes, a difference of 974 votes. 974 is greater than 537.  Gore wins Florida by 437 votes. Q.E.D.

You don’t like those assumptions? OK, assume 90% of those 97,488 Nader voters would have stayed home, leaving only 9,749 Nader voters up for grabs. Let’s again make a ridiculous assumption and assume that 45% of those Ralph Nader liberals would have voted for George W. Bush and 55% would have voted for Gore. In that scenario, Gore gets 5,362 votes and Bush receives 4387 votes, a difference of 975 votes. 975 is greater than 537. Q.E.D. again. You have to suspend reality to believe Nader did not cost Gore Florida.

A Gore win would have meant that instead of John Roberts and Samuel Alito, we’d have two justices on the Supreme Court appointed by a Democrat, and Citizens United would have been decided the other way. President Gore probably would have not invaded the wrong country after 9/11. Two Republican justices and more than four thousand dead American servicemembers is a high price to pay because you want to teach the Democratic party a lesson or because you think Hillary is a chameleon. (She is). Not to mention hundreds of thousands of other people killed and a waste of six trillion dollars.

To put it in terms some of you can understand, six trillion dollars would buy every man, woman, and child in America about 4.16 pounds of pot.   

Please send your hate mail to me c/o PO Box 974, Nederland, CO 80466.

Posted in: Politics

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

How to Fight a Bear

May 5th, 2016 1:25pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Well, spring is here and so are the bears. We tend to think of bears as big, cuddly, loveable creatures, but the truth is bears are mean. Bears hate people. Even though we built roads in their territory to make it easier for them to travel and built houses in their woods stocked with food to make it easier for them to eat, these ungrateful mammals are always eager to fight a human. Given this reality, it’s vital that mountain residents know how to fight a bear.

The first thing to remember in a bear encounter is – don’t run! You can’t outrun a bear.  A bear has more speed than a hooker at a Republican convention. When a bear sees you running away, that bear will chase you down like a Republican pouncing on an Exxon study denying climate change. The bear will catch you and eat you, so don’t run!

The other important principle to keep in mind is that the bear weighs a lot more than you. There are no weight divisions in bear boxing. The bear doesn’t care if you are a heavyweight or a bantamweight. Either way, the bear will outweigh you by several hundred pounds. Given the massive size of these man-hating creatures, you DON’T want to get into a wrestling match with a bear. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu won’t do you any good in a fight with a six hundred pound bear.

While bears possess superior speed and strength, many humans have one important advantage over bears – 85% of Peak-to-Peak area residents are smarter than the average bear. You can prevail in a bear fight – if you use your brain.

The first question to ask when a bear confronts you is what is the bear’s motive? Is the bear motivated by profit or does it just want to mess with you because it’s a mean, man-hating bear? If the bear just wants your sandwich, the solution is easy. Throw the sandwich as far as you can behind the bear’s head. Being a gluttonous animal, the bear will turn around and take off after the sandwich. Then all you have to do is run like heck in the opposite direction.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of bear attacks are not motivated by profit. Bears want to fight you like Republicans want to repeal Obamacare. It’s just their nature.

If you must fight a bear, remember that bear boxing differs from traditional boxing in several critical ways. First, a bear fight is not organized into three-minute rounds. Second, there is no referee. Third, there are no rules. If a bear bites your ear, head-butts you, or hits below the belt, those things are perfectly legal. In fact, bears don’t even wear belts.

When forced to fight a bear, it’s important to know that most bears are right handed. According to the University of Montana Journal of Ursine Pugilism, the percentage may be as high as 99.44%. This means you want to stand with your left foot forward so you can pepper the bear’s snout with left jabs to prevent the bear from getting close to you.

Where should you hit the bear? Focus on the bear’s snout. Bears have long snouts. Consequently, it’s much easier to hit a bear’s snout than to hit it in the eye. You’d have to get much closer to the bear to hit it in the eye. And you don’t want to get closer to the bear than you have to. And a bear’s snout is filled with sensitive nerves. God gave bears long snouts to make it easier to box them, so take advantage of it. Focus on the snout!

As I stated, bears are not smart. It’s easy to fake them out. One effective technique is to feint to the bear’s body twice with your left hand, then duck under and come around with a solid left hook to the bear’s temple. This is the technique Joe Frazier used to use on bears. You would think the bears would catch on because his fights are available on YouTube, but they keep making the same mistake.

Bears are so stupid. Once I was fighting a bear that was holding his own. Suddenly I put up my hands and made the universal time out sign. The bear look confused, but he stopped fighting. I pointed at its foot and politely said, “Your shoe’s untied.” Forgetting that bears don’t wear shoes, the dumb animal looked down at his feet and I threw great uppercut that nearly took his jaw off.

Another technique is to let the bear punch itself out – the Rope-a-Dope. Just lean up against a tree and use your arms to protect your face and body. Most of the bear’s punches will just bounce off your arms, doing little harm. Eventually the bear will get tuckered out and drop its paws, and THAT’S when start showing the bear who is the boss. I once used this technique on a Mexican bear named Robearto and by the end of the fight he was saying, “No mas!”

By using your superior intellect, you can get inside the bear’s head. Trash talking can be very effective and cause the bear to lose focus. Don’t be afraid to scream at the bear and taunt it. The bear already hates you and wants to kill you, so it’s not like you’re going to make the bear any more angry. Say things like, “Your momma’s so fat, her senior picture was taken by satellite.” Then, when the bear gives you a quizzical look, do a quick Ali Shuffle and throw a straight right to its face. In fact, when Ali fought bears, he liked to recite poems. He’d say things like, “I am so pretty, you ain’t so great; eat your berries and salmon, I’ll take you in eight.”

It’s important to believe in yourself when fighting a bear. Too often, I’ve seen young bear fighters become intimidated by a bear’s size. But in bear boxing, size doesn’t always matter. Hit a bear in the spleen a few times and he’ll come down to your size. I remember February 15, 1978, when a 197-pound kid named Leon Spinks took the heavyweight title from the much larger Muhammad Ali. How did Spinks pull this off? He believed in himself.

Now, many people will tell you the best way to deal with bears is to avoid confrontation. This is bad advice offered by naïve people with good intentions. Remember, bears want to fight you, kill you, raid your refrigerator, eat your edibles, and sleep in your recliner. If you don’t stand up to a bear, it will think you are weak and this will only encourage aggression. The only thing bears understand is force, so always be willing to fight a bear. Appeasement did not work with Hitler and it doesn’t work with bears. That’s why Neville Chamberlain never won a bear fight.

Look, there is nothing more fun than watching a pathetic bear limp back home with shame on its face because he knows he got beat by a 58 year old lawyer that he outweighed by four hundred pounds. Now he’s got to explain that to his friends. Like a Republican who has to explain why he lost to a Kenyan born Muslim community organizer intent on imposing Sharia law or to a draft dodging, pot smoking womanizer. They just can’t fathom that they lost.

Of course, no amount of knowledge and training can guaranty that you will prevail in a bear fight. But by understanding bear psychology and the basics of bear fighting, you can greatly improve your odds. Just remember the bear necessities, the simple bear necessities.

Note: The author makes no warranty, express or implied, that the advice in this article will help you in the event you must fight a bear.     

Posted in: Humor

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Obama - Worst President Ever!

April 14th, 2016 1:30pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Barack Hussein Obama is the worst President ever! I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I’ll begin this morning.

Each morning for the past seven years, the sun has risen and the sunlight has cut short my precious sleep. What has Obama done about this sunlight problem? Nothing. A real man, like Donald Trump, would do something about this solar aggression rather than leave America weak and defenseless.

Once I’m awake, I must eat breakfast, so I reach for a box of Captain Crunch. But guess what? Thanks to Obama, the FDA is phasing out partially hydrogenated oils. It is now more difficult for me to get my daily dose of trans fats. There was a time when Americans were free to choose how much trans fats to consume, but those days are gone as Obama’s massive bureaucracy slowly steals our freedom and paves the way for the New World Order.

I eat my cereal and begin the drive to my office in Boulder. Gas prices are incredibly low. This sucks. Low gas prices mean more people driving, which increases greenhouse gases. It’s also unfair to the big oil companies. America’s founders wanted the big oil companies to prosper so the money can trickle down to those less fortunate than ourselves.

I stop at the corner of 9th and Canyon. But there are no transients there to give my spare change to. Unemployment has fallen from 10.1% in October of 2009 to 4.9%. All these coins are going to pile up in my SUV and eventually I will have to put them all in a big container and insert them into one of those machines at Walmart that count coins and gives you cash. Does Obama care that I’m going to have to visit Walmart and look at a bunch of old women with their granny panties showing? Not at all.

I arrive at my office and boot up my laptop. But thanks to Obama’s net neutrality, I get fast Internet service, which means I can’t bill my clients as much for the time I spend waiting for websites to load or downloading documents.

I have more work than I can handle. Every client is on my butt and each one thinks his or her matter should be my top priority. Obama’s 71 months of economic expansion has made my life miserable. I don’t know if I can go on.

After a long day at work, I drive home and watch the news. Sadly, our pansy President has not launched any ground wars, so I don’t get to view any cool footage of American “shock and awe” destroying foreign cities. God, what I would not give for a President who would dress up in a flight suit and land on an aircraft carrier as a passenger on a fighter jet with a big “Mission Accomplished” banner in the background. That’s the only way to make these other pib squeak nations respect us.

I don’t know, maybe it’s a good thing that Obama hasn’t started any wars. With all the gays Obama has allowed to serve openly in our armed forces, I doubt we could win any wars anyhow. Maybe our army could win a decorating contest or something. It’s probably just a matter of time until we tell our troops to turn in their camouflage uniforms and start wearing the new mandatory rainbow combat fatigues. He’s also opened all combat jobs to females just to help Hillary win the female vote, which is going to put America at risk for four or five days each month.

The anchorwoman says the deficit has been greatly reduced and the rate of government spending has slowed. Just more evidence that the big spending liberals like Obama don’t understand the first thing about economics. It’s just common sense that if you want to generate more tax revenue to balance the budget you have to cut taxes. Anyone with a knowledge of basic arithmetic knows that.

Obama is pardoning a bunch of dangerous drug offenders, mostly black guys. How stupid. They are just going to start smoking pot again, then get the munchies and buy a bunch of junk food at the local convenience store, thus driving up the price of Fritos and Skittles. This will lead to an inflationary spiral. I don’t think Obama really considers all the possible consequences of his decisions. He just does whatever the hell he wants.

The news turns to politics. The country is sharply divided. With Osama Bin Laden dead and Al Qaeda unable to launch successful attacks on American soil, there is nothing to unite Americans. You call that leadership?

The rest of the news is boring. No blowjobs in the Oval Office. No Vice-Presidents accidentally shooting someone in the face. No outing of CIA agents for political gain. No torture. No financial crisis. FML. I guess I’ll just watch Von Miller on Dancing With the Stars.

I turn off the news and login to check my investment accounts. Damn, I’m doing incredibly well. I have more money, so at some point I’m going to pay more taxes. Thanks Obama.

Maybe I’ll smoke a cigar before I go to bed. Damn, I can’t even enjoy that. Because our pussy President normalized relations with Cuba, it’s a good Cuban cigar. Man, I miss those Swisher Sweets. Desi Arnez must be turning over in his grave. Yes, Obama’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Another thing I don’t like about Obama is what a liar he is. As a Kenyan Muslim born in Hawaii, I thought he’d keep his campaign promises to impose Sharia Law, confiscate everyone’s guns, and establish death panels so we could get rid of the old people. That was change I could believe in. Instead, he tripled the number of drone strikes on terrorists, got Bin Laden, and made it easier to get health insurance. He’s had seven years to take my guns and has the entire federal government at his disposal, but he still hasn’t managed to get my firearms. He’s just plain incompetent.

I don’t think Obama is a very good communicator. He’s always so polished, precise, and dignified. Like when Obama said, “We welcome the scrutiny of the world – because what you see in America is a country that has steadily worked to address our problems and make our union more perfect.” Why not just say, “We don’t give a pinch of raccoon shit what you think. We've got the nukes!  ‘Murica!” That’s language everyone can relate to.

I guess the good news is that we will be rid of this pathetic loser in less than a year. He can go back to being a community organizer or whatever. I don’t know who our next President will be, but it’s hard to imagine how he or she could be worse than Barack Hussein Obama.

Posted in: Politics

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

The True Story of Dock Ellis

March 10th, 2016 9:10pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Dock Ellis was a pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the early 1970’s. A black man, he was outspoken on matters of race. He made no secret of his use of pot, speed, cocaine, and alcohol. It was the Seventies.

On June 12, 1970, Ellis was scheduled to pitch for the Pirates in San Diego in a game against the Padres. Ellis had crashed the previous night at a friend’s home in Los Angeles. And for whatever reason he decided to drop some acid (LSD). LSD is a psychedelic drug that can cause a variety of sensations such as distorted senses, vivid colors, and hallucinations.

Ellis woke the next morning and took more acid. Shortly thereafter, his friend’s girlfriend told him he was pitching that day. Ellis told her she was wrong. It was June 11th and he wasn’t scheduled to pitch until the next day. She told Ellis he was one day off, it was the 12th.  Ellis did not believe her until she showed him the sports page from that morning’s paper.

Realizing he had screwed up, Ellis caught the first flight to San Diego. Still suffering the effects of the LSD, Ellis arrived at the clubhouse and suited up. Then he swallowed some Benzedrines to try to counter the effects of the LSD.

Standing on the mound, Ellis was disoriented. He had trouble identifying the batters. He knew they were swinging bats and that sometimes they stood on the left side of the plate and sometimes they stood on the right side of the plate.

It wasn’t pretty. Ellis walked eight batters and hit one. He later wrote, "I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me."

But a funny thing happened. Ellis struck out six batters and did not allow a single hit. The Pirates won the game by a score of 2-0.

The odds of a major league baseball pitcher throwing a no hitter are 1 in 1,548. The odds of doing it while under the effects of LSD are probably more daunting. To this day Ellis’ feat remains of the greatest athletic achievement ever by a man on a psychedelic journey

Dock Ellis died of a liver disease at the age of 63.   

 

Posted in: Sports

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Both Sides Now

February 20th, 2016 6:31pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

This is a true story. In April of 1993 I was going through an early midlife crisis. I was living in Omaha. I had joined the Air Force “to see the world” and had ended up spending twelve years in Nebraska. My relationship with a woman had recently ended, and my Dalmatian and I had just found new digs. I had dropped out of a graduate program in philosophy because one year of practicing law and studying symbolic logic at the same time had taken a real toll on my physical and mental health. Practicing law paid better, so I stuck with that.

Suddenly alone and with plenty of free time, I decided to cross some things off my bucket list. I began taking karate lessons. I started to write a novel. And I decided to try skydiving.

With my birthday approaching, my brother, Roy JHCIACB Cohen, decided to drive to Omaha to join me on the skydiving adventure. And so it was that on a rainy Saturday we drove to Weeping Water, Nebraska, and received training to prepare us for our jump the next day. The jump school was located at a small airstrip surrounded by cornfields.

It rained all night and was still raining Sunday morning. We were not sure we would be able to jump, but we drove back to Weeping Water anyhow. Later that morning the rain stopped and the instructor decided we could jump.

We donned our jump suits and parachutes, then climbed into a small plane. As the little aircraft ascended my brother and I looked at each other. Are we really going to do this? The plane leveled off at about 3,200 feet. It was a long way down.

Being the older brother, we decided I would jump first. I climbed out of the plane and grabbed the strut with both hands, just as we’d been instructed. When the instructor gave the sign, I let go, arched my back, and saw the plane pull ahead of me. It was a static line jump, so my parachute opened within a second or two. I floated gently down to earth, enjoying the thrill and the view. I would definitely do this again.

Back on earth, I looked up and saw my brother climb out of the plane and grab the strut. Then he let go. But for some reason he flipped over backward and was not in the proper position when his parachute opened. The many cords that connected my brother to the parachute’s canopy became tangled and his parachute never fully opened. Rather than gently floating toward earth, he was plummeting toward it and his parachute looked something like a tampon.

We on the ground could not see where Roy had landed, but the pilot directed us through the cornfields to him. When we found him he was lying flat in a soggy cornfield. Two days of rain had probably saved his life.

An ambulance took Roy to an Omaha hospital. When I saw him the E.R., he looked at me and said, “Gravity works.”

The staff took x-rays and observed that not all the bones in Roy’s back were where they were supposed to be. The most notable damage was that his L-1 vertebrae had shattered and one small piece of it was resting against his spinal cord. The doctors advised Roy to have surgery that would put metal rods in his back, but if you know my brother, you know he declined and limped out of the E.R. later that evening. After resting for several days in my apartment, Roy loaded up on painkillers and drove back to Colorado.

Roy had an MRI every four weeks for nearly two years to ensure that the bone fragment was not pushing further into his spinal cord.  Eventually the entire area calcified (self-fused) and this served the same function the metal rods would have served. It took more than two years for Roy to recover, but he did.

And so ended our brief skydiving career, but I don’t regret it because Roy eventually regained his health and I can truly say I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now.

Posted in: Misc.

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Why Businesses Should Not Use Arbitration Clauses

February 19th, 2016 11:41pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Click here to read Why Businesses Should NOT Use Arbitration Clauses


Posted in: Legal

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

A Palm Grows in Nederland

February 18th, 2016 8:41pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

A Palm Grows in Nederland

The time has come. Let’s face it – Nederland winters are long and brutal. A little wind in October can make for a cozy evening, but by the time May rolls around, I’m done with the wind.  And the snow. I get that we live 8,236 feet above sea level, but by the time May rolls around, I’m done with snow. And the cold. It’s nice not to have to use my refrigerator between October and May, but by the time May rolls around, I’m done with the cold.

I guess I’m more of summer person. I love Nederland summers. While folks down below endure 95 degree days, we can count on a balmy 72 degrees. I can wear shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops. Listen to Jimmy Buffet and drink margaritas. Maybe even take a quick dip in Barker Reservoir if the fuzz ain’t around. It’s like Hawaii without the palm trees. Which brings me to the topic of this week’s column.

I want a palm tree in Nederland this summer. And not just any palm tree. I want a forty foot tall Canary Island Date Palm in the traffic circle by June 1st.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Your thinking, “Why in the name of God does Barb let some washed up lawyer who thinks Jack Daniels is a food group write a column for the Mountain-Ear?” I have no clue, but hear me out.

Nederland is losing millions of dollars in revenue each year because tourists don’t view Nederland as beach destination. Nederland is basically dead between the time Frozen Dead Guy Days ends and the Fourth of July. Nobody visits Nederland during that time, except to buy pot.

I’m telling you, folks, we’ve got big trouble right here in Cannabis City. Nederland’s gotta have a palm tree and I mean she needs it today. Trouble. I’m talkin' 'bout trouble, with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for palm.

Oh, think my friends, how could any poker table ever hope to compete with a Canary Island Palm?  Remember, my friends, what a handful of palm trees did to the famous, fabled streets of Los Angeles.  Oh, a palm will do it, my friends, oh, yes! I say a Canary Island Palm Tree, do you hear me? Well, Nederland’s gonna have a palm tree. As sure as the Lord made little green apples, and that palm’s gonna be tall and strong. And you’ll see the leaves swaying in the breeze. And you’ll hear the thunder of people stopping to get their photos taken beside the HIGHEST PALM TREE IN THE WORLD; the shimmer of car horns honking! And you’ll feel something akin to the electric thrill I once enjoyed when Gilmore, Liberatti, Pat Conway, The Great Creatore, W.C. Handy and John Philip Sousa all came to Nederland on the very same historic day.

Now, I can already hear the same tired old liberal arguments from the lame stream media and the secular humanists – a palm tree will die in when winter comes. Always with the negative waves.

Folks, I didn’t just pick the Canary Island Palm Tree out of my big, hairy butt. I earned a Masters in Law degree in Agricultural Law! There are more than 2,600 species of palm trees on earth. But the CIPT is perfect for Nederland. The CIPT can tolerate temperatures down to 14 degrees and has been grown as far north as England.

Sure, it will probably die by mid-December, but what a glorious summer we will enjoy. And with tourists flocking to Nederland to enjoy the new Margaritaville festival and get their photos taken with THE HIGHEST PALM TREE IN THE WORLD, we can easily afford to remove the dead palm tree each winter and plant a new CIPT each summer.

But why, some say, a palm tree? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas? We choose to bring a palm tree to Nederland. We choose to bring a palm tree to Nederland in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.

I’ve done the research. It will cost between $10,000.00 and $15,000.00 to bring a Canary Island Palm Tree to Nederland. And that is why I have established a GoFundMe campaign called A Palm Grows in Nederland. I’m not taking money from Wall Street or the Koch Brothers. I can’t be bought. If you’d like to see a palm tree in Nederland this summer, please make your contribution at https://www.gofundme.com/apalmgrowsinned

With your help and by God’s grace, when June rolls around we’ll be nibblin’ on sponge cake, watchin’ the sun bake, and all of those tourists will be covered in oil.

Posted in: Humor

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

A Generic Singles Profile for Boulder County Women

January 24th, 2016 2:34pm - Posted By: Mark Cohen

I recently completed my first year of Internet dating. It has been educational. I have met many nice women and even made some good friends. I have also read the profile of every single woman in Boulder County. Because Internet dating is hard enough without having to spend hours writing a profile, I decided to create a generic profile you single women can use as starting point if you decide to dip your toes into the Internet dating waters. Here it is:

Hi.  My name is (insert name). I am a strong, intelligent, independent, passionate, confident woman and I’m comfortable in my own skin.

I’m an optimist; I see the glass as half full.

I'm low drama. If you are separated or recently divorced, I wish you the best, but please do not contact me.

Family is very important to me.

I am drawn to the beauty of Colorado and love the outdoors.  I enjoy hiking, skiing and (pick at least three more) skiing, x-country skiing, telemarking, snow shoeing, backpacking, kayaking, rock climbing, cycling, running, mountain biking, hang gliding, skydiving, hiking 14ers, bungee jumping, paddle boarding, Cross Fit, triathlons, 10K’s, and marathons.

Although I love the outdoors, I can really rock a little black dress.

I am spiritual, but not religious.

Yoga changed my life.

I also meditate and strive to practice mindfulness and gratitude.

My favorite book is (pick one) (The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle) (The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz) (The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho).

I love to travel. Next year I am going to (pick one) (Nepal) (Peru) (Thailand).

On a Friday night you can usually find me (pick one) (dancing at the St. Julien) (at the Boulder Shambala Center) (catching an indie film).

I am (pick one) (vegan) (vegetarian) (trying the Paleo Diet).  I love to cook and love having my partner in the kitchen with me.

I love to give back. I volunteer each week at (pick one) (the Boulder Food Bank) (the Boulder Valley Humane Society) (the Boulder County Justice Center as a Victim Advocate).

I desire a man who is confident, but not arrogant.  A man who is financially stable, but not concerned about material things. Fit, but not obsessive about it. Hard working, but easygoing.  Dependable, but adventurous. 

A sense of humor is a must!

Chemistry is very important.

Please have a photo in your profile if you message me.

I’m not interested in a long distance relationship.

I am not looking for a hookup or FWB, so please pass me by if that is what you seek.

Thanks for stopping by and good luck in your search!

There you have it.  That should give you a good start. Feel free to use and modify it as you see fit. The only catch is that with every single woman in Boulder County using essentially the same profile it can be difficult for men to understand what makes you unique. If you want to increase your odds meeting a great guy, consider adding a few of these: (I love my Denver Broncos) (I really need to get my Victoria’s Secret spending under control) (I think making out is way underrated) (I’d have to say my favorite material possession is my waffle iron). If you need help, you can contact me through the Mountain-Ear.  Good luck! 

Posted in: Humor

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Resolutions for the New Year

January 13th, 2016 2:24am - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Well, it’s a new year, so I took some time to reflect on how I could improve during 2016.  Many people make resolutions for the New Year, but their resolve tends to weaken over time. One reason is that people set the bar too high. They said, “I’m going to run for President this year” or “I’m going to lose two hundred pounds by next month.” Not wanting to make that mistake, I decided to try to keep my resolutions for the New Year more realistic. Here they are:

First, I resolve not to f$^&k up.

Second, I resolve not to kill anyone no matter how strong my desire or how deserving the potential victim may be.

Third, I will cut back on my freakin’ cussing.

Fourth, I will be more optimistic in spite of the fact that the media bombards me every day with news of war, poverty, injustice, corruption, stupidity, and environmental catastrophe. Not to mention the fact that the sun will burn out in a few billion years and earth will become a frozen ball of ice so cold that the only creatures capable of surviving here will be Republican politicians.

Fifth, I’m gonna work on my freakin’ humility. Let’s face it, I had to good fortunate to be born a white male in the wealthiest nation on earth to parents that were not horrible. I had many advantages that contributed to my success. In America, a white male in a white shirt and striped tie can get away with just about anything.  (BTW, a big shout out to the Gilpin County deputy that just gave more a warning for speeding a few weeks ago). 

Sixth, I will be more grateful. I don’t have cancer. Not counting mental health issues, I don’t have any illness. My thirteen-year-old SUV is paid for and runs great. (Shout out to Terry for taking such great care of it). The Broncos snagged the number 1 seed even though they had a new coach and started an inexperienced quarterback for part of the season. There is much to be thankful for.

Seventh, I will take better care of myself. I will floss and brush my teeth each day and try not to wear the same underwear more than two days in a row.

Eighth, I won't let little things upset me. Whenever I sense tension coming on, I will take a deep breath and relax all my muscles as I exhale. Except when a driver slows down as they approach the freeway on the ACCELERATION ramp. I’m still gonna give those people the imaginary finger.

Ninth, I am going to try to respect the opinions of those who do not share my political beliefs. If a politician believes God created the earth six thousand years ago in spite of the evidence of carbon dating, they have a right to be stupid. This is America. If a politician thinks the fact that in the past fifty years we reached 300 parts per million and then 400 ppm in atmospheric carbon dioxide for the first time in 800,000 years is completely unrelated to our use of fossil fuels, well, I guess it could just be a coincidence.  If a politician who values the sanctity of life wants to give tax breaks to the rich while poor people lack access to basic healthcare, who am I to point out the hypocrisy? If a politician opposes abortion but wants to de-fund Planned Parenthood, who I am to point out that Planned Parenthood provides services that prevent unwanted pregnancies and thereby helps reduce the number of abortions? If a politician claims to believe in states’ rights, but then opposes the right of the states to legalize marijuana or assisted suicide, who am I to point out the inconsistency?

Finally, I won’t take it personally if someone doesn’t immediately like one of my Facebook posts. as Sun Tzu once said, “True friends can go for hours without liking each other’s Facebook posts, but when that after dinner like finally comes through, it’s like that long absence was never there.”

            There you have it. Ten realistic resolutions for the New Year. Wish me luck.

Posted in: Humor

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Merry War on Christmas

December 16th, 2015 1:06am - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Merry War on Christmas

Yesterday, December 7th, 2015 – a date which will live in infamy – the War on Christmas was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the hot air forces of the Republican party.

I admit it. I love the War on Christmas.  It is my favorite time of year. I know some folks get depressed during the holidays, but not me. Let me tell you why I treasure this special season. 

First, I enjoy the unique way the word “war” is used when we refer to the War on Christmas. The traditional definition of “war” meant the use of military force to defeat another nation. But during the War on Christmas, we can use “war” any way we want. It can mean Starbucks removing a 16th century Norse woodcut of a twin-tailed mermaid from its coffee cups. Or just saying, “Happy Holidays.” In addition, if we can use “war” that way, why not use it other ways? When I finish this column, after my coffee loosens things up a bit, I’m going to declare war on my gastrointestinal tract. If you know what I mean.

The War on Christmas is such a happy time of year. People are so nice to each other. You’ll see someone on the street, smile at them, and say, “I hope you enjoy the holidays” or “Happy Chanukah,” and this makes them feel so good. Then they start getting into the spirit of it and treating others kindly. Pretty soon everyone is being nice to each other, which is somewhat ironic given that it’s a war.

I enjoy decorating for the War on Christmas. I enjoy cutting down pine trees and putting lights on them to remind people of the many pine trees that grow in Nazareth and the wonderful electrical system that city had two thousand years ago. I have a manger scene, of course, that features a blond haired, blue-eyed baby Jesus just like the real one, but sometimes I will do something unique with my manger scene for the War on Christmas. Like position a live platypus right next to the Virgin Mary. Now I know there wasn’t really a live platypus present when Christ was born, but the War on Christmas is supposed to be fun.

One of the best things about the War on Christmas is watching the young children. We buy them presents and wrap them in brightly colored wrapping papers that don’t show a single image of Jesus. Many times the wrapping paper features a snowman or Santa and some reindeer because the War on Christmas is a winter holiday. We put the presents under the tree while the children sleep. The next morning they are so excited and they rush to the tree to start opening presents. They are so happy. My children love the War on Christmas.

Another fantastic thing about the War on Christmas is the way it boosts our economy. The National Retail Federation estimates Americans spend $465 billion during every War on Christmas. People go to the mall, shop for presents, and maybe even enjoy an Orange Julius (because there is no nativity scene on an Orange Julius cup). And the money we spend on presents trickles down to those less fortunate than us and helps create jobs.

Music is another wonderful aspect of the War on Christmas. People get together and go door-to-door singing Christmas carols and spreading good cheer. Kids learn Spanish because all the stores have Jose Feliciano’s Feliz Navidad playing in the background 24/7.

One of our family traditions for the War on Christmas is to watch It’s a Wonderful Life, a film about democratic socialism.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated attack on the War on Christmas by the Republican party, the American people, in their righteous might, will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the people when I assert that we will not only defend the War on Christmas to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that the War on Christmas is in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph. So help us God.        

               

Posted in: Humor

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

Against Political Correctness

December 16th, 2015 1:02am - Posted By: Mark Cohen

Against Political Correctness

“I'm very depressed how in this country you can be told ‘That's offensive’ as though those two words constitute an argument.” - Christopher Hitchens

I am liberal on most issues. Nevertheless, I am fed up with political correctness (PC). One dictionary defines PC as “the avoidance of forms of expression or action that are perceived to exclude, marginalize, or insult groups of people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against.”

The problem with that definition is the word “perceived.” Who is the perceiver? Some may perceive an Internet meme about suicide bombers as insulting to all Muslims while others find it funny because it pokes fun at a particular subset of Muslims.      

I offer my own definition of PC. It is a doctrine that elevates sensitivity to others over truth. It is true that some Muslims are suicide bombers. Yet PC tells us we can’t poke fun at that fact or even mention it. If we do, the PC crowd labels us “Islamophobic” or accuses us of promoting “hate speech.” And it is much easier to label someone an “Islamophobe” than do the hard work of intelligently discussing the reality of radical Islamic terrorism. 

PC advocates often use language to try to shame others. For instance, they label those opposed to gay marriage “homophobes.” I support gay marriage, but I know people raised in a religious tradition that taught them marriage is between and man and a woman. To be “phobic” means to fear something. My friends that oppose gay marriage do not fear gays; they just grew up with a different definition of marriage. Using labels to avoid addressing the merits on an argument is intellectually lazy.

Examples of how ridiculous PC has become are plentiful. Not long ago students at the University of California in Irvine voted to ban the American flag to create a more “culturally inclusive” environment. They felt the flag might offend some because they see it as a sign of American imperialism. The irony of students using their First Amendment right of free speech, a value our flag symbolizes, to argue for banning the flag is difficult to miss.

PC begins in childhood these days. Now every child that plays a team sport gets a participation trophy. PC advocates don’t want children on the losing team to feel bad because players on the winning team received a trophy. This approach obscures the truth that one team won and the other lost. Watching the winning team receive a trophy should inspire children on the losing team to work harder and try to do better next time.

I am told some schools no longer force students to participate in physical education because, gosh, we wouldn’t want little Johnny to feel bad if he came in last in the mile run. Nevermind the truth that childhood obesity is rampant. Never mind the truth that little Johnny’s heart, lungs, and legs get stronger every time he runs.

While PC is often associated with liberals, conservatives offer their own forms of PC. Conservative school boards across the nation are attempting to force schools to teach a “clean” version of American history that ignores the truth that aspects of our history were fraught with racism, bigotry, brutality, and injustice.

Some people take PC so seriously that they have completely lost their sense of humor. A few months ago some boys at a frat house hung banners in front of their house. One read, “Freshman Daughter Drop Off” and another read, “Go Ahead and Drop Off Mom Too.” This outraged many feminists. They claimed, without any empirical evidence, such behavior promotes a “rape culture” on campus. I have two daughters, but I found the signs funny. The signs poked fun at the obvious truth that a great deal of consensual sex takes place on campus, some of it at frat houses. They poked fun at the image of frat houses popularized in the movie Animal House. (If you intend to write a letter to the editor, please come up with a better argument than, “You wouldn’t understand because you’re not a woman.” I’m not a pilot, but I understand how aircraft fly). 

Any doctrine that sacrifices truth and free speech to avoid potentially offending someone is highly suspect. PC advocates are turning us into a nation of humorless wimps.

Finally, there is a difference between PC and good manners. Using the N-word to refer to a black person doesn’t promote truth – it’s just an offensive racial slur without any truth attached to it.  

                       

Posted in: Politics

View / Add Comment | 0 Comment(s) | Rating: 0 of 5 | Share: Twitter, Facebook, Google +

©2019 Cohenslaw.com . Powered by Goozmo Systems . Printed on Recycled Data™